no. i am not here with gyan about silver linings or lights at the end of the tunnels. life’s shit sometimes and iam here to lament.
i see a lot of people on social media talk about how they do it all and also about how they dont cuz they cant. i know social media has so many filters – literally and figuratively but i was still in awe, occasionally; of the ones who cooked, the ones who posted with clockwork regularity, the ones with beautiful homes, the ones with babies and ALL THE work that comes with/for the cuteness.
i dont do it all. i have this arrogance in my mind about being able to. this arrogance feeds my laziness of not doing it all cuz i can but dont need to.
but life threw me a curve ball. recently, a loved one fell sick and i was left all alone to take care of the said sick person, the basics of home running shiz and work.
it was hard. i ran on autopilot for the first 4 days. i did EVERYTHING, including wiping the kitchen down everynight, like the obsessive person iam.
by day 5, the adrenaline was wearing down and i was beginning to feel emotions. emotions of being scared, worried, angry, tired and sheer helplessness. emotions that were no good. so i when i couldn’t make the right neurotransmitters, i went with store bought ones. (iam a medical researcher and i have a standard open prescription.)
i overworked myself because i thought i had to do it all. it’s the obsessive side of me pushing myself to do it all. the zombie in me that pushed to me do it all cuz i just dint want thoughts in my head in the spare minutes.
i overworked myself so at the end of the day, i’d have just enough energy for a quick cry, quicker shower before being consumed by sleep.
when things went back to normal, i went back to being me. i slept like i love to. lazed on work and went back to being the eternal sunshine of the backlogged life.
i survived. i survived by breaking down every night, popping pills and working through every minute like a zombie. that’s i how i made it.
so this is not the success story, you’d expect. but it’s a success story nonetheless. i made it, no matter what and i learnt one of the biggest lessons.
the next time someone (even if it’s just your own self) asks you if you can do it all.
calmly and with absolute certainty, answer with the truth.
“you dont NEED to“
