iam scared

BY madras.ponnu May 7, 2021

 

 

a friend in a pals-whatsapp-group texted us informing me that she’s done with her 15 day quarantine and finally gets to hug her son.
we all smiled and joined in her joy and celebration. she thanked all of us for our prayers, a friend for helping with food and me for all the medical advise.

the medical advise is all Doc. he’s always ready to answer any query from anyone. iam known for the medical advise because of the work iam in and because of my secret weapon – Doc.

the pandemic has been all about this. advise on what to eat, what masks to wear, how to sanitise, how, what, where and why of life. the father and sibling are positive for COVID-19. it’s been easier to manage because my more emotional inclined and have a better relationship with my Amma. it’s easy to be “clinical” about symptoms, presentation, medication and procedures when you are physically present to oversee things. i still blew my fuse when she got mildly sick. mostly cuz the sibling is the sole cause for it.

Doc called me a few weeks ago on Tamil New Year’s to tell me he had fever. i blew my fuse again (sensing a pattern?)
we were already navigating issues for weeks preceding that and for me that was the last straw.

iam undeniably privileged and comfortable. iam dealing with the pandemic by eating and distracting myself with coffee and social media – all of which are considered luxury by millions around us.

there is a third wave coming. there is going to be more of everything. i don’t know if this would become a way of life but there’s a good chance it would.

iam tired of not being able to live my life. all the things that was taken for granted.

iam scared life would be over before it even begins.

iam scared i won’t get to marry Doc.

iam scared i won’t get to befriend and then be the best of friends with my boys.

iam scared of not being able to do all that I want to do and more with clinical research.

iam scared.

iam just so scared.

this fear is not constant. iam not allowing the negativity to consume me. my mind has far too much on its to-do-today list to think about other things. most days are on auto-pilot.

but it’s there. this niggling thought.

i don’t know what to pray for anymore.

marriage, happiness, success all seem absurd. don’t even know if i can ask for health in the middle of this pandemic.

sometimes all I want is normalcy. that’s what i don’t remember anymore. normalcy.

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