iam sorry annima

 

this was on the drive back from a funeral. my grandma’s. the one i actually cared about but dint bother enough to show cuz iam an ass.
yes i drink my filter coffee black too.
this was on the drive back inter state, amidst COVID-19 to say goodbye to someone i loved so dearly, to stand by Amma as she watched hers being taken away for the last time.
she dint suffer. she’d been suffering for way too long. we told ourselves. days spent in meeting family, spending time with the nephews and niece.
it was her birthday 2 days before she died. everyone spoke to her but i dint. she’d only tell me 2 things when I spoke to her – how she wanted to see me married before died and how she wanted mariamma to take her cuz she was done with this life. i hated hearing it from her. so i dint call her as often as I should have.
iam an emotional coward that way.
all I could do was say sorry to her, when she could no longer hear me.
i haven’t changed. i haven’t even called my cousins back.

something or the other comes up. not work, not life. just a sadness that I carry. for all things iam upset about, I retreat into myself, distancing myself from humans.
the number of friends I have lost this way. family forgives me mostly.
i have a roof over my head, food, a job that satisfies me and my needs, my immediate family is healthy and yet there is always this hollow.
crater of nothingness I have carried for so long, I don’t when or if I would ever be rid of it. crater is me now. Iam crater.

ever so often, i think of how i should have called when I could. how she would have loved to see me married.
know what’s worse, Amma stays here, which is 12 hours by road to where her mom was. she dint visit her in the past 2 years cuz of covid. that eats her everyday. i listen to cry silently sometimes on the terrace. sometimes i let her be. sometimes i send Z to cheer her up.

this pandemic is not just about losing loved ones.
it’s about losing time.
time with friends, family. time with living life. time we take for granted
no gyan here. none. I just had to get this out, so the crater doesn’t get bigger.
iam sorry annima. met thatha? I hope you have fair and lovely there. 😊♥️

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